An Interview With Lord Xalivar

This interview originally ran at Nicole Peeler’s blog as part of my first blog tour. Thanks to Nicole for the invite to visit her blog on my tour. I wanted to rerun it again here because it was a fun post to write and because I wanted to share it with you. This is a fictional interview with the antagonist of my debut novel. I wanted to sit down with one of my characters, the deposed High Lord Counselor of the Boralian Alliance, Lord Xalivar, for a chat.

Xalivar: Deposed? I was not desposed! I was violated!

BTS: Sorry. So Mr., Xalivar should I call you?

X: I prefer, my Lord.

BTS: Uh, ok, my Lord…that’s weird for me.

X: Yes, that’s what my enemies said and now they’ve written that scandalous tome of lies about me.

BTS: Well, I wrote it, actually, just as they told it to me.

X: So you’re a co-conspirator! Why should I trust you?

BTS: Well, I really did want to get it right, so if there’s something you’d like to set the record straight about, I’m listening.

X: (clears throat) It didn’t happen like that.

BTS: It didn’t happen like what?

X: I thought you said you were listening.

BTS: I am.

X: No, you’re not. You’re interrupting. It’s not the same thing. I am the High Lord Councilor of the Borali Alliance. Interrupting me is tantamount to treason!

BTS: Actually, you were deposed…

X: Shhhhhhh! LISTEN!

BTS: OK, sorry.

X: My family served the Alliance for generations. With honor! We have always done what was best for the Alliance and her people.

BTS: Some would argue with that.

X: Because they’re fools! Fools who don’t know what’s best for them. That’s why they need leadership. Wise leadership, like I have always provided.

BTS: I see.

X: Stop interrupting or my LSP men will arrest you.

BTS: Oh, well, I don’t want that.

X: (laughs) No, you don’t. Anyway,  as I was saying, the accusations made against me were made of ignorance, from a total lack of perspective.

BTS: Allegations of abuse of slaves? Enslaving fellow humans? Trying to usurp the Council?

X: Lies! Why are you spreading them? I already told you these were lies.

BTS: But the existence of slavery is documented—

X: Yes, but I did not enslave them. My grandfather did. I merely preserved the system. It was working just fine for both of our peoples.

BTS: The slaves might beg to differ.

X: Slaves always do, but they are not intellectually capable of making such statements with any accuracy.

BTS: They’re human beings.

X: That’s your opinion. Not a fact.

BTS: But they came from Earth to colonize the stars just as your ancestors did.

X: Earth has many species.

BTS: But only one species of humanoids—humans themselves.

X: Evolved from apes. Some of us evolved longer and more advanced than others.

BTS: So there are levels of evolution?

X: There are levels to everything. It’s the natural order of things.

BTS: The Vertullians don’t believe in Evolutionary theory. They believe in creation by their God.

X: See? They haven’t intellectually evolved enough to understand Evolution. And here you and everyone else go writing their story as if it’s history, as if it’s truth. It’s a total sham! Slander! I should sue you all!

BTS: They just wanted the same rights as your own people. Is that so bad?

X: You have to earn rights. They are not inherent.

BTS: Well, the workers believe differently.

X: Because they’re inferior.

BTS: I see. Anything else?

X: I did not betray the Council. The Council listened to lies told them by my sister.

BTS: I heard you two were very close.

X: (laughs) I thought so once. I was wrong. It’s clear our family had some weak genes which she was victim of.

BTS: So she’s not evolved?

X: She’s lesser evolved than I am, yes.

BTS: Wow. Ok. And Davi Rhii? He was raised as your nephew and heir, yet you betrayed him.

X: I did not. He betrayed himself. He set out to destroy our superior Alliance and was revealed in his ignorance.

BTS: You didn’t send men to kill him?

X: I did not. And I never abused the slaves. They were treated as slaves deserve—like property, herded and directed, incapable of making proper decisions on their own and born to serve their masters. It’s natural, not abuse.

BTS: I see.

X: It’s a matter of perspective. Creatures of their level of low intellectual ability are prone to exaggerating because they don’t fully grasp reality.

BTS: But the Council and many of your citizens agreed with them?

X: Low intellects all.

BTS: So anyone who disagrees with you is less intellectually developed?

X: Isn’t that obvious? They replaced me with one of their own, tried to arrest me. They criminalized me by slandering my reputation. It’s all a manipulation and distortion by inferior minds.

BTS: Some might regard your attitude as arrogance.

X: Only intellectually underdeveloped persons would think so.

BTS: I think we’re done here.

X: I have not even begun to give you the correct story.

BTS: You believe I’m too intellectually inferior to understand it.

X: Ah ha! You’re on their side, despite your earlier denials.

BTS: I tried to be a neutral third party but they seem more credible.

X: Credible? Ha! Barely more than apes!

BTS: I have a headache.

X: I’ve worn out your inferior brain. Told you!

BTS: Thank you very much for your time.

X: It’s really sad you can’t handle the truth.


Bryan Thomas Schmidt is the author of the space opera novel The Worker Prince, the collection The North Star Serial, and has several short stories forthcoming in anthologies and magazines. His second novel, The Returning, is forthcoming from Diminished Media Group in 2012. He’s also the host of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Chatevery Wednesday at 9 pm EST on Twitter, where he interviews people like Mike Resnick, AC Crispin, Kevin J. Anderson and Kristine Kathryn Rusch. He can be found online as @BryanThomasS on Twitter or via his website. Excerpts from The Worker Prince can be found on his blog.

‎3 5-star & 8 4-star reviews THE WORKER PRINCE $3.99 Kindlehttp://amzn.to/pnxaNm or Nook http://bit.ly/ni9OFh $14.99 tpb http://bit.ly/qIJCkS.

Xalivar Rhii, once the High Lord Counselor of the Boralian Alliance, the continuation of an honorable line of fine leadership, now spends his days fighting to redress the injustice done to him by others. An innocent victim, he and his minions hang at their favorite secret hideaway preparing to enact revenge with great vengeance and restore balance to the Universe.

 

Flash Fiction: At The End Of The Road

The prompt was this picture. I imagined what would happen if my friends Tim, Randy, and I took a road trip to seek some profound conclusion and found this at the end of the road. And here’s what I came up with in 5 minutes. It should be noted that our regular banter is not that different from this. Although I did a bit of role reversal for fun.

“What the hell?”

“That’s it?”

Tim blanched, his eyes radiating confusion as we stared at him. “There’s got to be something more.”

“You dragged us 500 miles for this?” Randy was clearly ready to explode. “It’s a freaking question mark, Tim!”

“Actually, it’s a sign with a question mark on it.” As usual, Tim knew the right moment for a snarky reply.

“In the middle of nowhere!”

I put my hand gently on Randy’s arm. “Look. We’re here now, so let’s look around and take a deep breath.” The sweltering heat oppressed my lungs as I breathed, and I felt a trickle of sweat rolling down from my forehead across the arch of my nose.

“The air is fetid, dry, hot. It’s totally desert. Oh look! Another cactus. It’s totally unlike the other six I saw in turning to discover it!” Randy expelled breath loudly and pushed away my hand. “Waste of time, gas. Half a day gone!”

“Where there’s a question, there’s an answer,” Tim said. “Remember what pastor always says?”

“Hmph. I’d like to see him out here in this heat after a long drive preaching that crap.” Randy shook his head.

Tim and I looked at each other and started to laugh.

“What is so funny?” Randy frowned, arms crossing over his chest as he shot darts at us with his eyes.

“You are, man. Chill out. We all wanted to come. Made the decision together.”

“Don’t you start, too,” Randy snarled at me.

I shrugged. “Just speaking the truth.”

“With love,” Tim added, grinning. We both laughed again.

“You two are idiots.”

“Maybe, but what does that make you?”

“Shut up, Bryan,” Randy rolled his eyes at me, but a grin forced itself onto his face.

“Well, since we’re here, we might as well take a picture.” Tim fumbled with the camera case as it dangled around his neck.

The piercing West Texas sun cut into the skin on the back of my neck like a blade.  “Hurry then before we all fry.”

“Just follow the signs, you’ll find the answer,” Randy grumbled.

“Hey! We know never to waste our time on those signs again, don’t we?” Tim said as he attached the camera to the tripod and set the timer.

“I was hoping for a more profound answer than that.”

“Stop whining and smile.” Tim slipped in on the opposite side of Randy, our arms around his shoulders as we smiled and waited for the familiar click.


Bryan Thomas Schmidt is the author of the forthcoming space opera novel The Worker Prince, the collection The North Star Serial, and has several short stories forthcoming in anthologies and magazines. He’s also the host of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Chat every Wednesday at 9 pm EST on Twitter, where he interviews people like Mike Resnick, AC Crispin, Kevin J. Anderson and Kristine Kathryn Rusch. He can be found online as @BryanThomasS on Twitter or via his website. Excerpts from The Worker Prince can be found on his blog.

Dr. Conan T. Barbarian–Hacked Faculty Post at Trinity College

Rarely do I post stuff like this but it was so funny I wanted to make sure it’s preserved. It was a harmless hack and obviously done by someone who knows the canon. 

Trinity College Dublin

Dr Conan T. Barbarian, B.A.(Cimmeria) Ph.D. (UCD). F.T.C.D.

Conan the Barbarian

Long Room Hub Associate Professor in Hyborian Studies and Tyrant Slaying.

Dr Conan T. Barbarian was ripped from his mother’s womb on the corpse-strewn battlefields of his war-torn homeland, Cimmeria, and has been preparing for academic life ever since. A firm believer in the dictum that “that which does not kill us makes us stronger,” he took time out to avenge the death of his parents following a sojourn pursuing his strong interest in Post-Colonial theory at the Sorbonne. In between, he spent several years tethered to the fearsome “Wheel of Pain”, time which he now feels helped provide him with the mental discipline and sado-masochistic proclivities necessary to sucessfully tackle contemporary critical theory. He completed his PhD, entitled “To Hear The Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature” at UCD and was appointed to the School of English in 2006, after sucessfully decapitating his predecessor during a bloody battle which will long be remembered in legend and song. In 2011/12, he will be teaching on the following courses: “The Relevance of Crom in the Modern World”, “Theories of Literature”, “Vengeance for Beginners”, “Deciphering the Riddle of Steel” and “D.H. Lawrence”. He strongly objects to the terms of the Croke Park agreement and the current trend for remaking 1980s films that he believes were perfectly good enough in the first place.

He is happy to hear from potential research students with an interest of any of these topics, but applicants should note that anyone found guilty of academic misconduct or weakness in the face of the enemy will be crucified as an example to the others.

Email: [email protected]

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Last updated 14 September 2011by

 

Write Tip: 8 Tools For Using Humor In Your Fiction

Humor can be an important part of both character development and reader engagement. When used well, it can endear both writer and characters to readers. When used poorly, it can ruin an otherwise successful tale. Here’s some tips for how to use humor effectively in your stories and novels.

 1 ) The Running Gag– This tool is one of the stand-by tropes of good comedy. Typically employed following the rule of threes, the running gag will repeat three times, with each one increasing in absurdity and corresponding laughter inspired. The first two act as set-ups for the big pay off of the third. Study any sitcom or romantic comedy and you can always find running gags used to great effect. For example, a character slips on a banana peel on the sidewalk in front of his paramour’s door, embarrassing himself. The next time he goes there, he looks around carefully to avoid something similar but this time, something falls from above, knocking him down. The third time, perhaps during the finale of the story, he winds up ignoring the fear and facing running after her behind a banana truck whose cargo is falling out scatters across his path, leading to all kinds of slippery footwork. This is a basic slapstick example. Most running gags or more complicated. But I think it gives you the idea.

2 ) The Love-Hate Relationship– Nothing brings out humor better than two characters thrown together who are constantly at each other’s throats–not in the “I want to choke you to death” sense, but rather in the “hurling biting insults and cutting down” sense. Watching them each attempt to outdo the other can be mined for great humor and,  at the same time, used to build character. One of the best ways is for them to exploit each other’s flaws for their comments.

3 )  The Flawed Character– No one’s perfect. We all know this about ourselves. Your characters become more real when you also show this about your character. And the worst part of flaws? The way they embarrass us or put us in difficult situations where we look bad in front of those we want to impress. Exploit these situations, and you’ll find all kinds of humor in them. Another advantage is that readers are drawn to characters who are flawed in relatable ways. “Oh man, I know just how he feels!” That response endears your character to your reader and draws them into your story. It’s just part of using your character’s humanity to build empathy and sympathy and connect him or her with your readers, which, in turn, keeps them more involved and interested in your story.

4 ) The Subverted/Misunderstood Context– While creating empathy is helpful, at the same time, your character needs distance from readers for them to see the humor. If they identify too much, they won’t laugh at the humorous situation in which the character finds him or herself. It helps to have the character see the humor in the situation, nor matter how painful it may be, but again, make sure it is not too painful or offensive or the readers will be turned off. Key to this is subverting or applying misunderstood context. People interact daily with different worldviews and understandings of the context in which that interaction occurs. Mining that for misunderstandings and humor or allowing circumstances to subvert one character’s correct understanding of the context can be used to mine humor in the situation for readers.

5 ) The Fish Out Of Water– There’s always humor to be found in situations where a character is put in situations or places with which he or she might be unfamiliar or even made uncomfortable–a priest visiting a crack house, for example, or a Sunday School mom in an NFL locker room. The interactions with other characters who are comfortable in that world and even the character’s reactions can be used for great humorous effect.

6 ) Exaggeration– Exploiting a character’s perspective through exaggeration is a great tool to create humor. Pushing the character to the edge of their limits can result in funny reactions, dialogue and situations for readers and interesting ways of building or wrapping up a scene. It makes everything a bit more outrageous, but to use it effectively, everything the character does needs to have elements of exaggeration throughout. It starts small and builds to be most effective, until they are pushed to a point where they explode (figuratively, of course, in most cases).

7 ) Surprise– Another great tool is the element of surprise. If a character walks into their apartment to find all their furniture turned upside down or a totally unexpected situation, or if events unfold in ways that catch both characters and readers by surprise, humor can result. The surprise can be either physical or emotional, but as mentioned above, it can’t be too painful or offensive that it would alienate the reader. The character’s discomfort is fine and can be used for humor, but the reader’s own discomfort has more limits and must be carefully considered when using any of these tools. Be sure to arrange the elements of the scene to maximize tension and release. This will make the effect of the humor more powerful.

8 ) Satire/Parody– South Park, The Simpsons, and many other popular TV Shows employ satire and parody to mock socially relevant attitudes or even current events and point out flaws or ironies in these situations and you can too through your characters and plots. These two can be tricky to pull off well. Avoiding preachiness, for example, can be hard when it’s a subject on which you feel passionate. Take great care never to push the humor too far. Most especially, allow readers to draw their own conclusions. A few prompting remarks can be carefully exploited through dialogue but don’t overdo it. Especially if you yourself have spoken out publicly about such issues, readers will tend to see right through it and the moment may be destroyed. Still, satire and parody are classic humor tropes which should always be a part of your toolbox when writing humor.

So there they are: 8 Tools to be employed in adding humor to your fiction prose. Like any tools, using them takes practice and development of skills. Some do tend to have more natural instincts than others, but like most tools, these can be learned and incorporated instinctually into your writing arsenal. Despite being age old methods, they remain popular because they consistently work. If they work for other writers, you can be sure that, when done well, they’ll work for you.

For what it’s worth…


Bryan Thomas Schmidt is the author of the space opera novel The Worker Prince, the collection The North Star Serial, and has several short stories forthcoming in anthologies and magazines. He’s also the host ofScience Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Chat every Wednesday at 9 pm EST on Twitter, where he interviews people like Mike Resnick, AC Crispin, Kevin J. Anderson and Kristine Kathryn Rusch. He can be found online as @BryanThomasS on Twitter or via his website. Excerpts from The Worker Prince can be found on his blog.

Top 20 Oxymorons

Top Twenty Best Oxymorons

#20    Found missing
#19    Resident alien
#18    Airline food
#17    Same difference
#16    Government organization
#15    Sanitary landfill
#14    Alone together
#13    Business ethics
#12    Sweet sorrow
#11    Military intelligence
#10    Plastic glasses
#  9    Terribly pleased
#  8    Definite Maybe
#  7    Pretty Ugly
#  6    Computer Security
#  5    Political science
#  4    Diet ice cream
#  3    Working vacation
#  2    Exact estimate
#  1    Microsoft Works