Let’s Talk About Hitting On Girls, Boys (i.e. Don’t Sexually Harrass)

No crossed outYou know, it always amazes me the gall some people have. There are guys who can just walk up to women, have a friendly conversation, and then decide that the woman wants to have sex. They then start hitting on her. Some guys skip the friendly conversation altogether and go straight to propositioning. I’m not talking about behavior just in bars, either. I’m talking about behavior on airplanes, in parks, on the street, at work–everywhere.

Maybe it’s residue from my background as an outcast, in part, but I was also raised with strong women around: my mom, grandmas, and sister. It never occurred to me that this kind of behavior was okay. So it always puzzles me. Even in a dating relationship, I have to know the girl is comfortable with such talk to even initiate it. Otherwise, I wait for her to make it clear she wants to go there. That’s just respectful to me. And it always amazed me some people see it any other way.

Richard Branson must. Virgin Airlines now has the ‘Get Lucky’ policy.  No surprise, it has led to sexual harrassment. I’m sure legal trouble will follow.  I can’t believe his corporate lawyers even let that one slide through. Of course, he is the boss. Maybe he ignored them. It will be at his peril, I guarantee.

And in the past year, we’ve heard more and more reports of serious–egregious–sexual harrassment at conventions. People grabbing, stalking, etc. What’s up with this behavior, guys? I could write it off as sociopaths, but it happens to so many women, it scares me to imagine our society is filled with that many sociopaths.

Instead, I think it’s just arrogance and ignorance. Or maybe  bad social training.

Here’s another question: do women encourage it? And should they have to?

First, you can argue that if men are so bad at reading signs, then perhaps some indication of interest would be a good idea. At the very least, this would avoid accidental harrassings (if there is such a thing). But beyond that, it would at least make men aware of mutual interest, even though it would not tell them where the line is.

Second, I know women have been direct with me in the past and I appreciated it, so I think they do do this. But again, should they have to? In an ideal world, probably not, but in our confused culture, maybe it’s one way to start straightening things out for the foolish men (all of us to some degree).

I’m not here to man bash. But I do think male behavior in these cases is clear evidence of a drought of common sense.  If women were going around harrassing men like this, it wouldn’t be an issue up for debate. It would have been cracked down on or solved. I’ve actually had someone come on to me and make me feel uncomfortable, and it was not pleasant. You feel helpless and trapped. And it’s frustrating when the person can’t understand or refuses to accept the word “no” as a literal response to stop.

I think the moment the word “no” is uttered, one should pause and determine the context in which it was said. I just don’t understand the excuse of “she didn’t mean it” or, even worse, “I got carried away.” That’s ridiculous. If someone is saying “no,” then you should assume they mean it and find out. Heat of the moment aside, I’m serious here. If you are moving so fast that you have lost control, then think twice about what you’re doing altogether. As my friend Rosie says: “Don’t wait for a ‘no.’ Get an emphatic ‘yes.’ It’s way sexier, anyway.”

Let’s ask some female friends when they consider it appropriate to “hit” on them. What are the signs a woman might use to encourage it?

First from my friend Leah Petersen: “I’m never offended by a tasteful and polite come-on, but I expect the man (or woman) to take an equally tasteful and polite brush-off without having to be hit over the head with it. I’ll qualify that with: It’s never OK if I’m clearly with my husband. Though even that one I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt on, if it’s not clear. I don’t wear a ring that people identify as a wedding ring easily and half the time I forget to put it on, so I assume anyone who chats me up has done so with the assumption that I’m single.”

From Rosie at makemeasammich.org: “I’ll start by saying that it’s even important to recognize signs that a woman isn’t interested. It’ll save you a lot of time and energy and will reduce discomfort on both sides. Here are some signs (and their counterparts when appropriate) (and note that these are generalizations referring to heterosexual women, because someone will always point out that not everyone is the same, some people are shy, etc.):

– If a woman tends to turn away from you, she’s probably not interested. When a woman is attracted to a man she tends to turn toward him–full on–when they’re interacting.

– If a woman makes moves to put distance between you, she’s probably not interested. Don’t keep closing that distance, because if she is interested (and is just defending her comfort bubble) that is very likely to drive her away. Give her space and watch for other signs.

– If a woman refuses to look you in the eye while you’re interacting, this is a sign that she may not be interested. Women who are attracted to a man and want to encourage more engagement tend to look him in the eye and fully engage.

– If you touch a woman (which you should never do without permission), and she doesn’t respond by touching you back in a way that is unmistakably affectionate and encouraging, she is probably not interested. If you touch a woman without permission, chances are you will know right away whether she likes you enough to forgive your rudeness. If not, she will move away from your touch and possibly injure you, depending.

Now, here are a few signs a woman is interested:

– She’s fully engaged when you talk to her, looking you right in the eye and smiling or otherwise emoting appropriately.

– She closes the distance between you.

– She engages in surrogate touching: playing with your keys, touching your drink glass, messing with a button on your sleeve.

One thing I think people need to learn to recognize is the difference between that feeling of ‘I find this person attractive’ and ‘Zing! We are attracted to one another.’ Being pursued by someone you’re not interested in is one of the biggest turnoffs I can imagine, so it behooves you to know the signs and signals and to recognize the mutual (vs. one-way) chemistry that occurs when two people ‘fit.’ It’s really pretty simple in many cases: A woman who is interested will make excuses to be around you. A woman who is not interested will make excuses to get away from you.”

Pretty helpful stuff. It comes down to this: don’t assume. If you have to guess, you’ll probably be wrong. Wait for definitive encouragement.

And don’t give me that “it’s part of the game” crap either. Because no, it isn’t. It’s not a game to make someone feel threatened or scared. It’s no game to make someone feel uncomfortable. Yeah, there may be masochists out there who get off on such things, but find a group of like minded people. Don’t try them out on random strangers. Seriously.

It sucks to hit on girls a lot of times. It’s nerve wracking and it takes guts. That’s why so many men put on the machismo attitude and pretend it doesn’t matter. In truth, a rejection from one woman doesn’t matter much. It may feel humiliating in the moment, but it’s not going to stop a woman who’s really interested from saying ‘yes’ five minutes later. I’d much rather be with someone who has the same desire to be with me as I have to be with her. Wouldn’t you? Seriously. Even if you’re looking for a one night stand.  If someone wants to screw their brains out mindlessly, it should be mutual. And there are women out there who might. But it’s not your call to pick them. They must nominate themselves.

If Richard Branson is your hero, well, I don’t know what to say about that. Because he’s certainly lost some respect with me for his new policy. Regardless of the publicity stunt and humor angle, it’s irresponsible. And it creates and encourages situations bound to make flying Virgin anything but pleasant for a whole lot of people. Why would a business owner in his right mind want to do that?

Why would a man looking for love want to make a woman uncomfortable? Why would a man looking for a willing sex partner want to make a woman uncomfortable?

If you don’t have good answers for these questions, then I hope you’ve gotten the point. If not, please find a friend and read it together. This is too important to miss the point. Rape culture has to stop. And men, I hate to tell you, but the onus is entirely on us.

For what it’s worth…

Beyond The Sun revised coverBryan Thomas Schmidt is an author and editor of adult and children’s speculative fiction including the novels The Worker Prince and The Returning, and the children’s books 102 More Hilarious Dinosaur Jokes For Kids (ebook only) and Abraham Lincoln: Dinosaur Hunter- Land Of Legends. His debut novel, The Worker Prince (2011) received Honorable Mention on Barnes & Noble Book Club’s Year’s Best Science Fiction Releases for 2011. His short stories have appeared in magazines, anthologies and online. He edited the anthology Space Battles: Full Throttle Space Tales #6 (Flying Pen Press, 2012) and is working on Beyond The Sun (Fairwood, July 2013), Raygun Chronicles: Space Opera For a New Age  (Every Day Publishing, November 2013) and Shattered Shields with co-editor Jennifer Brozek (Baen, 2014). He also edits Blue Shift Magazine and hosts #sffwrtcht (Science Fiction & Fantasy Writer’s Chat) Wednesdays at 9 pm ET on Twitter and can be found via Twitter as @BryanThomasS, on his website atwww.bryanthomasschmidt.net or Facebook.

7 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Hitting On Girls, Boys (i.e. Don’t Sexually Harrass)

  1. I think our culture is so hypersexualized through a relentless onslaught of graphic images the media in every form and fashion confronts us with. I can’t even stand in a check out line without seeing women in magazines dressed like hookers. Oh wait. That’s the women in line with me.

    I agree with you that it’s wrong for men to harass women but isn’t it equally harassing to men to see a hardly dressed woman every where (and I do mean EVERYWHERE) they turn their head?

    And about that media: what movie doesn’t have a woman portrayed as an easy to sleep with sex-hungry-barely dressed “modern woman”?

    I think it’s a very confusing message to men and women.

    1. Sharon, I’ve read and reread this, and it sounds to me like you’re minimizing the issue as if women are responsible for making men act that way. I just can’t ever buy that. You choose to be an asshole, you are responsible, not someone in a tight dress. Seriously. And if you walk into a tavern full of drunken sailors in a tight dress and you don’t want to get hit on, you’re being an idiot, but that doesn’t mean you should be raped for it. Yes, common sense goes both ways. But I think blaming the culture is a cop out. I think it’s an element, but freedom of choice matters more.

      1. Hi Bryan. I’m sorry to give you the wrong impression. I think everyone is responsible for their own actions. Men should know how to act and behave toward a woman in a way that doesn’t rob her of dignity and respect.

        This is a topic that is heavy on my heart. Obviously it is for you too or you wouldn’t see this as a serious problem.

        As a woman I am trying to look at this problem objectively and see what is going on.

        I contend that our hook up culture is a large contributing factor. Rhetoric such as “woman’s empowerment” and “liberation from puritanical ideologies” seems to be interpreted by our culture as women having the freedom to act and dress in a way that means they are sexually available.

        What this really has accomplished is to strip away the protection women had against predators and abuse.

        I’m sure it sounds horribly old fashioned, but in an age where men were expected to act like gentlemen towards women and women were supposed to act and dress in a way that commanded respect, sexual harassment wasn’t the serious issue it is today.

        The media DOES perpetuate this myth (i.e. Sex and the City etc.)
        Why is Fifty Shades of Grey so popular? I’m afraid that the purpose of sex has become so distorted that committed, loving relationships is laughed at while situations that demean woman is regarded as normal.

        1. That’s fine, Sharon. I just wanted to make sure you were clear. Because that might have offended a lot of readers. And because although yes, culture and media perpetuate things, self-control is really a choice issue mostly. And people have to be held responsible for choosing to act.

        2. “What this really has accomplished is to strip away the protection women had against predators and abuse.”

          No one should be required to wear protection at all times against being assaulted and violated. People are stupid. But it’s NEVER the victim’s fault, not for any reason, even if they’re stupid.

        3. “I’m sure it sounds horribly old fashioned, but in an age where men were expected to act like gentlemen towards women and women were supposed to act and dress in a way that commanded respect, sexual harassment wasn’t the serious issue it is today.”

          I’d contend sexual harassment and rape were just as common and prevalent ‘back in the day’ as they are now, we’re just in a time frame where they’re reported on more frequently. Much the same way child molestation occurred regularly, but shame and a sense talking about such things was ‘seemly’ allowed predators to hide more easily. Just because we didn’t hear about it as often as we do now doesn’t mean there were ‘good old days’ when assaults didn’t occur, it just means many more victims had to suffer in silence to preserve our sense everything was OK.

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